Darling Tracy
Trevor could not have been born to a more caring and loving mommy. I wish from the bottom of my heart he was here for you.
"Happy" Mothers Day Tracy
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Sunday, May 6, 2007
I want my baby back
I was just about to start telling you our story and I heard Tracy crying. I went into the living room and she was sitting there staring at a picture of Trevor, one of the pictures taken hours before he died. I sat there and held her. "I want my baby back", she kept saying, as she held his picture. It has been 129 days since we saw him last and we cry for him every day.
23 January 2007
Another beautiful day, Tracy, Little T and myself. I went to work and Tracy stayed at home taking care of Trevor. I phoned home early afternoon, Tracy and Trevor, had just got back from Sam's. Tracy was carrying Trevor around Sam's in his Baby Bjorn, he was at the age where he could face forward, apparently a lady stopped Tracy and told her she wished Tracy could see Trevor's face, he was so amazed and excited, taking it all in, everything was new. I could not wait to get home. Just before I left work I called home again. Tracy had just put Trevor down for his 5pm-7:30pm nap. She said that he was mad at her for putting him down for his sleep and cried as he normally did, before crashing. I showed up and went for my usual jog. Tracy had prepared a delicious meal. She was getting into the whole stay at home mom role and was so pleased with her efforts. We sat down for dinner, had a glass of wine, and spoke about how happy we were and how cool Trevor was. Tracy thanked me for working so hard, so that she could stay at home with Trevor, I would not have had it any other way. We finished dinner and did the dishes. I remember Tracy saying to me, lets go and wake him up, we could barely wait to see his beautiful smiling face. I was still sweating from my jog so I asked if she could wait 10 minutes for me to shower and then I would be free to spend the rest of the evening with Trevor. I was in and out of the shower as quickly as possible, put on some clothes and came down stairs. Tracy met me at the bottom of the stairs and we walked into Trevor's room together, as we had been doing for sometime, based on his newly established schedule. We were so excited. As we peered over the top of his crib I immediately thought to myself, he is lying funny, he looked awkward. Tracy reached into the crib and touched his hand - "he is cold" she said. Tracy reached into the crib and turned Trevor over, I could tell by the way his body turned that he was already starting to stiffen, and then I saw our beautiful baby boys face, it looked as if he had been beaten, his face was blue. The moment turned from one of pure happiness to absolute devastation in less than a second. A blur of events ensued. Somehow Trevor ended up in my arms, Tracy left the room to call 911. Next minute Tracy was back, she took Trevor into the living room lay him on the couch and started resuscitation. I was standing off to the side, I remember repeatedly saying out loud "please God, no, please God no" as if I had a choice in the matter. Tracy kept trying and finally Trevor threw up some milk, Tracy, said to me I think he is breathing, he was making a gurgling sound. The phone rang, it was the paramedics, I told them that my boy was not breathing, they asked me to stand out in the road to signal them. The paramedics arrived in minutes. They run into our house and grabbed Trevor from Tracy rushing him into the back of the ambulance. Another paramedic asked me to come with them to the hospital, while making sure that our neighbour stayed with Tracy. I climbed into the passenger seat of the ambulance and was joined by the driver. He looked at me and said "this is not looking good, he has been gone a while". We arrived at the emergency room entrance to the hospital within five minutes, they told me to stay in the ambulance, as they wheeled the stretcher into the hospital. I remember looking out of the ambulance window and seeing this adult size stretcher with this tiny little body on it. The driver drove me to another entrance and I was escorted to a special room next to the emergency room. A doctor showed up to tell me that they were working on him. I am finding it hard to remember exactly what happened that night but will do my best. Tracy arrived. Friends of ours, Jimmy and Fernando, had driven her to the hospital. We just looked at each other in disbelief. Tracy left the room with Fernando to call her mother. In came the doctor and told me that they were not able to resuscitate Trevor. Poor Jimmy did not know what to do but I was glad he was there. I wish the doctor had waited for both Tracy and I to be in the room before she shared the terrible news. Tracy came back into the room. She new by the look on my face that Trevor did not make it. More friends arrived - thank you. The nurse told us that we could go and see Trevor if wanted to. Tracy and I followed the nurse to the furthest room in the emergency ward. She opened the door and there he lay, so still. He was wrapped in a little blanket, he still had a tube coming out of his mouth. They said we could hold him but just not to move anything, do not unwrap him or adjust the tube. There were a couple of nurses that stayed in the room briefly and cried with us. Then once again it was Tracy, myself and Trevor. Tracy held him as tightly as she could, wishing him back to life. She handed him to me. His face was a blue gray color. I remember kissing him on the forehead he was so cold. We went in and out of that room another three times. I called my parents. It was probably 3:00am South African time - "Whats wrong Paul, Trevor died tonight mom". I still cannot to this day believe that I had to call friends and family and tell them that Trevor had died. More friends arrived. I had to go in one more time to see Trevor. I walked into the room, his eyes were half open. He had the most beautiful blue eyes. I had to see him one more time. I put my hand on his forehead and looked into his eyes - he was gone - that was the last time I saw him.
23 January 2007
Another beautiful day, Tracy, Little T and myself. I went to work and Tracy stayed at home taking care of Trevor. I phoned home early afternoon, Tracy and Trevor, had just got back from Sam's. Tracy was carrying Trevor around Sam's in his Baby Bjorn, he was at the age where he could face forward, apparently a lady stopped Tracy and told her she wished Tracy could see Trevor's face, he was so amazed and excited, taking it all in, everything was new. I could not wait to get home. Just before I left work I called home again. Tracy had just put Trevor down for his 5pm-7:30pm nap. She said that he was mad at her for putting him down for his sleep and cried as he normally did, before crashing. I showed up and went for my usual jog. Tracy had prepared a delicious meal. She was getting into the whole stay at home mom role and was so pleased with her efforts. We sat down for dinner, had a glass of wine, and spoke about how happy we were and how cool Trevor was. Tracy thanked me for working so hard, so that she could stay at home with Trevor, I would not have had it any other way. We finished dinner and did the dishes. I remember Tracy saying to me, lets go and wake him up, we could barely wait to see his beautiful smiling face. I was still sweating from my jog so I asked if she could wait 10 minutes for me to shower and then I would be free to spend the rest of the evening with Trevor. I was in and out of the shower as quickly as possible, put on some clothes and came down stairs. Tracy met me at the bottom of the stairs and we walked into Trevor's room together, as we had been doing for sometime, based on his newly established schedule. We were so excited. As we peered over the top of his crib I immediately thought to myself, he is lying funny, he looked awkward. Tracy reached into the crib and touched his hand - "he is cold" she said. Tracy reached into the crib and turned Trevor over, I could tell by the way his body turned that he was already starting to stiffen, and then I saw our beautiful baby boys face, it looked as if he had been beaten, his face was blue. The moment turned from one of pure happiness to absolute devastation in less than a second. A blur of events ensued. Somehow Trevor ended up in my arms, Tracy left the room to call 911. Next minute Tracy was back, she took Trevor into the living room lay him on the couch and started resuscitation. I was standing off to the side, I remember repeatedly saying out loud "please God, no, please God no" as if I had a choice in the matter. Tracy kept trying and finally Trevor threw up some milk, Tracy, said to me I think he is breathing, he was making a gurgling sound. The phone rang, it was the paramedics, I told them that my boy was not breathing, they asked me to stand out in the road to signal them. The paramedics arrived in minutes. They run into our house and grabbed Trevor from Tracy rushing him into the back of the ambulance. Another paramedic asked me to come with them to the hospital, while making sure that our neighbour stayed with Tracy. I climbed into the passenger seat of the ambulance and was joined by the driver. He looked at me and said "this is not looking good, he has been gone a while". We arrived at the emergency room entrance to the hospital within five minutes, they told me to stay in the ambulance, as they wheeled the stretcher into the hospital. I remember looking out of the ambulance window and seeing this adult size stretcher with this tiny little body on it. The driver drove me to another entrance and I was escorted to a special room next to the emergency room. A doctor showed up to tell me that they were working on him. I am finding it hard to remember exactly what happened that night but will do my best. Tracy arrived. Friends of ours, Jimmy and Fernando, had driven her to the hospital. We just looked at each other in disbelief. Tracy left the room with Fernando to call her mother. In came the doctor and told me that they were not able to resuscitate Trevor. Poor Jimmy did not know what to do but I was glad he was there. I wish the doctor had waited for both Tracy and I to be in the room before she shared the terrible news. Tracy came back into the room. She new by the look on my face that Trevor did not make it. More friends arrived - thank you. The nurse told us that we could go and see Trevor if wanted to. Tracy and I followed the nurse to the furthest room in the emergency ward. She opened the door and there he lay, so still. He was wrapped in a little blanket, he still had a tube coming out of his mouth. They said we could hold him but just not to move anything, do not unwrap him or adjust the tube. There were a couple of nurses that stayed in the room briefly and cried with us. Then once again it was Tracy, myself and Trevor. Tracy held him as tightly as she could, wishing him back to life. She handed him to me. His face was a blue gray color. I remember kissing him on the forehead he was so cold. We went in and out of that room another three times. I called my parents. It was probably 3:00am South African time - "Whats wrong Paul, Trevor died tonight mom". I still cannot to this day believe that I had to call friends and family and tell them that Trevor had died. More friends arrived. I had to go in one more time to see Trevor. I walked into the room, his eyes were half open. He had the most beautiful blue eyes. I had to see him one more time. I put my hand on his forehead and looked into his eyes - he was gone - that was the last time I saw him.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Trevor Howard Hamilton
I guess I will start here
Trevor Howard Hamilton
Born, 12 September 2006
Died, 23 January 2007
Trevor Howard Hamilton
Born, 12 September 2006
Died, 23 January 2007
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