Darling Trevor,
Last Christmas was so special for us because you were there and we were in Dallas with you.
Firsts of any kind are important and you being our first grandson and first child to your Mom & Dad and also your first Christmas made it even more important.
This Christmas you will be with us in spirit and we will always be grateful for having you, even if it was for a short time.
We love you and think of you daily our first and beautiful grandson.
Love you
Granddad & Grandma in SA
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
9 months T
Nine months since I've seen you last. It is truly hard to believe. I was standing at Trevor's crib looking at a picture we have of him, his beautiful face, little nose, blue eyes, red lips, so innocent - he was perfect. What a horrific experience. To imagine that beautiful little baby boy dying in his crib is unbearable. I try not to go down this path to often but fortunately, mentally and physically, I am only able to deal with this dark place in very brief moments, it actually causes me to physically shudder.
Miss you every day T
Miss you every day T
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Childrens Garden
On the grounds of the local catholic church, St Thomas Aquinas, a family that lost their child established a beautiful little garden for deceased children. Friends of ours (thank you) purchased a plaque in Trevor's name that has been placed on a wall in the garden. We do not have a grave site to go and visit. When ever we want to spend time with Trevor we go into his room. The garden is a beautiful place, quiet, fountains, safe. It is a nice place to go and spend time with T.
Subconscious
A couple of weekends ago, it was actually a Sunday, something interesting happened. Things were going along smoothly for the better part of the day until about late afternoon. I suddenly was overcome with sadness. I was standing out in the back yard, doing nothing in particular. I new it was Trevor. I came inside, went into his room, stood at his crib and squeezed the little box that contains his ashes tighter than I ever had - "hey little guy"
I walked back into the living room, Tracy asked if I was ok, I am just sad I said. Sunday passed. On Monday morning I received a text from my sister, "thinking of you guys yesterday". I realized it was the 23rd, Trevor had died 8 months prior. The amazing thing was that I had "forgotten", we were busy living, healing. I guess my subconscious had not forgotten. So its is true, life does go on, but you never forget.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Happy Birthday T
Trevor Howard Hamilton
Born 12 September 2006 at 12:25pm
7 pounds 3 ounces
19 inches
Wish you were here
Born 12 September 2006 at 12:25pm
7 pounds 3 ounces
19 inches
Wish you were here
Love you
Mommy and Daddy
Happy Birthday Trevor from Grandma & Granddad
Darling Trevor,
2007 September 12th your 1st birthday would have been a very special day for you and your Mom & Dad.
We wish you could be here with us.
We can only imagine how you would look with your beautiful face and those blue eyes. Your chubby legs with dimpled knees which would by now be carrying you as you start walking and becoming even more active than you ever were.
It is wonderful to have an imagination.
We feel so fortunate to have had time with you and we try to be thankful for that time but it is very, very hard because we wanted so much more.
While trying to continue life positively after you left we do feel a hollowness and emptiness and struggle to find meaning and direction in what we now have and do. The spring in our step is not as high as it used to be.
The last time we saw you, is how we will always remember you.
Love Grandma & Granddad
2007 09 12
2007 September 12th your 1st birthday would have been a very special day for you and your Mom & Dad.
We wish you could be here with us.
We can only imagine how you would look with your beautiful face and those blue eyes. Your chubby legs with dimpled knees which would by now be carrying you as you start walking and becoming even more active than you ever were.
It is wonderful to have an imagination.
We feel so fortunate to have had time with you and we try to be thankful for that time but it is very, very hard because we wanted so much more.
While trying to continue life positively after you left we do feel a hollowness and emptiness and struggle to find meaning and direction in what we now have and do. The spring in our step is not as high as it used to be.
The last time we saw you, is how we will always remember you.
Love Grandma & Granddad
2007 09 12
Monday, July 23, 2007
Six months T
I still go into his room every morning and every night. "Hey T, we miss you T , mommy and daddy love you very much, sleep well baby boy" - my conversations. We haven't changed anything in the room. Everything is exactly as it was. I came home today and walked into his room as soon as I got home. I stood at his crib and wondered what would have happened if I had done that six months ago, instead of going for a jog, having dinner, taking a shower - what would have happened if I had gone straight into his room, would he still be here.
We had great plans for his ashes. A portion would go home to Cape Town, some we would scatter in Dallas, at the lake, the remainder we would keep. Ever since we got them the thought of parting with his ashes seems absurd. We have the ashes in a nice wooden box that sits in his crib. Next to the ashes is a picture of Trevor, one of the pictures taken hours before he died. He was so cool. There is also a bag in the crib that contains the clothes he was wearing when he died. We received his clothes back from the funeral home and even though they are shredded up the middle you cannot imagine how important it is for me to have those clothes. Tracy had dressed him up in his new outfit, it was supposed to be a surprise for me. It still annoys me that we did not get his pants back. Somehow they did not make it from the ambulance to the hospital. It seems crazy to be upset about his pants, but those were my boys pants.
When Trevor first died every Tuesday night was especially traumatic, every time I went for a jog, every time we sat down at the dinner table - all reminders. His face was so clear in our minds. Although I think of him every day the reminders get further apart. I can no longer picture his face as clearly as I used to, and that hurts more than you can imagine. I have to look at pictures to remember what he looked like and now the pictures are getting hard to believe - hard to believe that he was really here - love you Trevor
We had great plans for his ashes. A portion would go home to Cape Town, some we would scatter in Dallas, at the lake, the remainder we would keep. Ever since we got them the thought of parting with his ashes seems absurd. We have the ashes in a nice wooden box that sits in his crib. Next to the ashes is a picture of Trevor, one of the pictures taken hours before he died. He was so cool. There is also a bag in the crib that contains the clothes he was wearing when he died. We received his clothes back from the funeral home and even though they are shredded up the middle you cannot imagine how important it is for me to have those clothes. Tracy had dressed him up in his new outfit, it was supposed to be a surprise for me. It still annoys me that we did not get his pants back. Somehow they did not make it from the ambulance to the hospital. It seems crazy to be upset about his pants, but those were my boys pants.
When Trevor first died every Tuesday night was especially traumatic, every time I went for a jog, every time we sat down at the dinner table - all reminders. His face was so clear in our minds. Although I think of him every day the reminders get further apart. I can no longer picture his face as clearly as I used to, and that hurts more than you can imagine. I have to look at pictures to remember what he looked like and now the pictures are getting hard to believe - hard to believe that he was really here - love you Trevor
Monday, July 9, 2007
Our time with Trevor
March 2006 was when we the grandparents and the family in South Africa got the fantastic news from Paul that he and Tracy were expecting a baby.
As the months passed news of the pregnancy, the scans and the measurements of baby Hamilton’s arms and legs plus other test results were communicated to us and the family. No test gave any cause for alarm and each result was according to the book.
The telephone calls about the baby’s movements and how Paul placed his hand on Tracy’s tummy to feel these movements. The excitement bubbled over.
How uncertain Paul and Tracy were of this little person coming into their lives and all the questions they were considering about their ability to manage a baby. How will we know what to do and the usual things that parents to be ask themselves.
Then Paul telephoned us from his car to say he was on his way home as Tracy had called him to say her water had broken and they would have to go to the hospital. We as grandparents in South Africa were very excited but also very sad that we could not be there for the birth. After a long wait another telephone call was made and this time to advise that on the 12th September 2006 Trevor Howard Hamilton was born. He was a boy and gorgeous and healthy and perfect in every way. Also that Tracy was fine and very happy with her little bundle of joy.
What more could we as a family have asked for and shortly after the birth we proudly advised the other family members in SA and UK. Then the photographs arrived and as we had heard we now saw that Trevor was beautiful to the core.
The pride and expression of love of the new parents was just unbelievable as was reflected in their voices and actions and rightly so.
In October and Paul and Tracy telephoned to invite us to spend time at their home with the new family, we were thrilled and arrived in Dallas on the 8th November 2006. We thank them for a truly wonderful two and a half months at their home and with their family.
At the airport Tracy managed the video camera as Paul introduced their son to his parents, the grandparents. The photographs we had seen had not prepared us for what it would be like to see our grandson for the first time. He was the image of his father, the likeness uncanny and it was striking. Trevor was actually a good mix of mother and father as he had his mother’s soft beautifully shaped mouth and her huge blue eyes. He of course was ecstatic to meet his grandparents from Cape Town.
Our time spent with Trevor was so very special. Waking up in the morning to the sounds of Trevor, Tracy and Paul going about the morning chores and then going to sleep at night knowing that tomorrow we would again hear those same sounds, like music to our ears. He was such a happy and contented baby and a delight to be with.
Our days were filled with Trevor. Feeding, babysitting him and just watching his character grow and grow more beautiful each day. It was such a pleasure to see his facial expressions and to hear his sounds, both of which changed almost daily as he grew.
We are sure you have heard the saying ‘life is short’ well we did not realize just how short Trevor’s life would be and having had the opportunity to hold him and love him even for that short time that we were with him was just so eventful with many memories to savor, thank you Paul & Tracy.
Bath time was wonderful as Paul and Tracy worked together to bathe their son and Trevor just loved the water especially when Tracy let it run over his head and down his face to rinse away the lather.
Every morning normally around 8 was an extra special time between grandson and granddad as they spent time talking about things that they were going to do in the future. Granddad did the talking and Trevor smiled and listened and he listened with such enthusiasm it was just fantastic. Those occasions watched over by grandma are forever cherished and clearly imprinted in our memories.
Being a grandparent is such a joy, without the responsibility.
As long as we live Trevor will always be close to our hearts as he is in our thoughts daily and we love him dearly.
Sleep well Trevor our darling baby angel
Granddad and Grandma in SA
2007 07 08
As the months passed news of the pregnancy, the scans and the measurements of baby Hamilton’s arms and legs plus other test results were communicated to us and the family. No test gave any cause for alarm and each result was according to the book.
The telephone calls about the baby’s movements and how Paul placed his hand on Tracy’s tummy to feel these movements. The excitement bubbled over.
How uncertain Paul and Tracy were of this little person coming into their lives and all the questions they were considering about their ability to manage a baby. How will we know what to do and the usual things that parents to be ask themselves.
Then Paul telephoned us from his car to say he was on his way home as Tracy had called him to say her water had broken and they would have to go to the hospital. We as grandparents in South Africa were very excited but also very sad that we could not be there for the birth. After a long wait another telephone call was made and this time to advise that on the 12th September 2006 Trevor Howard Hamilton was born. He was a boy and gorgeous and healthy and perfect in every way. Also that Tracy was fine and very happy with her little bundle of joy.
What more could we as a family have asked for and shortly after the birth we proudly advised the other family members in SA and UK. Then the photographs arrived and as we had heard we now saw that Trevor was beautiful to the core.
The pride and expression of love of the new parents was just unbelievable as was reflected in their voices and actions and rightly so.
In October and Paul and Tracy telephoned to invite us to spend time at their home with the new family, we were thrilled and arrived in Dallas on the 8th November 2006. We thank them for a truly wonderful two and a half months at their home and with their family.
At the airport Tracy managed the video camera as Paul introduced their son to his parents, the grandparents. The photographs we had seen had not prepared us for what it would be like to see our grandson for the first time. He was the image of his father, the likeness uncanny and it was striking. Trevor was actually a good mix of mother and father as he had his mother’s soft beautifully shaped mouth and her huge blue eyes. He of course was ecstatic to meet his grandparents from Cape Town.
Our time spent with Trevor was so very special. Waking up in the morning to the sounds of Trevor, Tracy and Paul going about the morning chores and then going to sleep at night knowing that tomorrow we would again hear those same sounds, like music to our ears. He was such a happy and contented baby and a delight to be with.
Our days were filled with Trevor. Feeding, babysitting him and just watching his character grow and grow more beautiful each day. It was such a pleasure to see his facial expressions and to hear his sounds, both of which changed almost daily as he grew.
We are sure you have heard the saying ‘life is short’ well we did not realize just how short Trevor’s life would be and having had the opportunity to hold him and love him even for that short time that we were with him was just so eventful with many memories to savor, thank you Paul & Tracy.
Bath time was wonderful as Paul and Tracy worked together to bathe their son and Trevor just loved the water especially when Tracy let it run over his head and down his face to rinse away the lather.
Every morning normally around 8 was an extra special time between grandson and granddad as they spent time talking about things that they were going to do in the future. Granddad did the talking and Trevor smiled and listened and he listened with such enthusiasm it was just fantastic. Those occasions watched over by grandma are forever cherished and clearly imprinted in our memories.
Being a grandparent is such a joy, without the responsibility.
As long as we live Trevor will always be close to our hearts as he is in our thoughts daily and we love him dearly.
Sleep well Trevor our darling baby angel
Granddad and Grandma in SA
2007 07 08
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Aunty Lisa, Uncle Bevil, Meggan and Kayla
Meggan Liebenberg age 11 (cousin) (South Africa) 2007 08 01
So beautiful and calm, so sweet and amazing. Oh how I wish I could have met you. Such things do happen; we do not understand and ask why??? why?? why???
Our hearts were full of joy when we heard the great news of your birth but when the bad news came, our hearts wept with sorrow.
I had come home from school and I could see that something was wrong. I asked: "what's wrong?" but tears fell from my mom's face. She explained everything to me. My tears fell too. Nothing could ever be the same without Trevor in our life. Oh how I wish he was still here.
Kayla Liebenberg age 9 (cousin) (South Africa) 2007 08 01
You were so sweet. I wish I could have got to know you. I wish you were still alive, but you are gone. I will always miss you. You were so hamsome and charming that I will never forget you. You must be the coolest and cutest angel in heven. I loved the way you looked at everyone. I love every moment that you were alive. I love you
Uncle Bevil and Aunty Lisa (South Africa) 2007 08 01
Our darling Trevor,
12 September 2006 is a day we will never forget. Your mommy and daddy were beaming in that photo with you in their arms.
We never got to meet you but know you - we did. Your mommy and daddy would tell us all you did, how fast you were growing and how beautiful and incredibly clever you were.
Grandma and Granddad would tell us how precious and adorable you were and so we got to know you!!
The day the tragic news came out hearts broke and we just couldn't understand why. Slowly but surely we are understanding, sometimes harder than others, that God needed you in heaven to watch over all of us.
You will always be in our hearts and thoughts and a day doesn't go by without us thinking of you, our darling little angel.
So beautiful and calm, so sweet and amazing. Oh how I wish I could have met you. Such things do happen; we do not understand and ask why??? why?? why???
Our hearts were full of joy when we heard the great news of your birth but when the bad news came, our hearts wept with sorrow.
I had come home from school and I could see that something was wrong. I asked: "what's wrong?" but tears fell from my mom's face. She explained everything to me. My tears fell too. Nothing could ever be the same without Trevor in our life. Oh how I wish he was still here.
Kayla Liebenberg age 9 (cousin) (South Africa) 2007 08 01
You were so sweet. I wish I could have got to know you. I wish you were still alive, but you are gone. I will always miss you. You were so hamsome and charming that I will never forget you. You must be the coolest and cutest angel in heven. I loved the way you looked at everyone. I love every moment that you were alive. I love you
Uncle Bevil and Aunty Lisa (South Africa) 2007 08 01
Our darling Trevor,
12 September 2006 is a day we will never forget. Your mommy and daddy were beaming in that photo with you in their arms.
We never got to meet you but know you - we did. Your mommy and daddy would tell us all you did, how fast you were growing and how beautiful and incredibly clever you were.
Grandma and Granddad would tell us how precious and adorable you were and so we got to know you!!
The day the tragic news came out hearts broke and we just couldn't understand why. Slowly but surely we are understanding, sometimes harder than others, that God needed you in heaven to watch over all of us.
You will always be in our hearts and thoughts and a day doesn't go by without us thinking of you, our darling little angel.
Love you and always will.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Can you hear me
Trevor, Trevor ..... I wish I knew that you could hear me. Losing you makes me realize just how small I am in this very large universe.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Grandparents Poem
WHY Trevor why
Why did you go so soon?
Our morning talk meant so much
The togetherness was just great
I had plans for you to row me on the lake
But you stopped after 133 days
And left me drifting and in a daze
You did not meet all the people you should have met
All those folk in South Africa were waiting for you
To charm them as you did with all you did meet
Especially granddad and grandma
Who now carry your name back home?
You met and inspired so many people
That, we guess Jesus said it was enough
You influenced so many so quickly and so easily
By your pleasing relaxed easy going and calming way
Your message of love and happiness
Will be spread to all, especially the family
You sadly did not meet
Jesus must have been impressed
We dreamed of you as a great scholar
The sport you did not play
We guess you would have done just fine
A boy for all time
For us you showed happiness and attentiveness
And followed through with a quiet cry
Which had us all running?
To be at the side of our star
And wondering what you could be asking for
You commanded attention without making a noise
The power you had and used in your charming way
Brought happiness and joy way beyond expectations
Your alert and attentive behavior
Made life so easy with innocent love
You loved your bath time and especially when mommy let
The water run over your head and down your face
While dad supported closely
At bed time you were great and did not once put up a fight
As you knew both dad & mom needed the rest
So they could be at their best when next you stirred
But it was at your bedtime that you breathed your last
And left us wondering
And we will love you till beyond our last
Why Trevor why,
Grandad & Grandma Hamilton
2007 05 05
Why did you go so soon?
Our morning talk meant so much
The togetherness was just great
I had plans for you to row me on the lake
But you stopped after 133 days
And left me drifting and in a daze
You did not meet all the people you should have met
All those folk in South Africa were waiting for you
To charm them as you did with all you did meet
Especially granddad and grandma
Who now carry your name back home?
You met and inspired so many people
That, we guess Jesus said it was enough
You influenced so many so quickly and so easily
By your pleasing relaxed easy going and calming way
Your message of love and happiness
Will be spread to all, especially the family
You sadly did not meet
Jesus must have been impressed
We dreamed of you as a great scholar
The sport you did not play
We guess you would have done just fine
A boy for all time
For us you showed happiness and attentiveness
And followed through with a quiet cry
Which had us all running?
To be at the side of our star
And wondering what you could be asking for
You commanded attention without making a noise
The power you had and used in your charming way
Brought happiness and joy way beyond expectations
Your alert and attentive behavior
Made life so easy with innocent love
You loved your bath time and especially when mommy let
The water run over your head and down your face
While dad supported closely
At bed time you were great and did not once put up a fight
As you knew both dad & mom needed the rest
So they could be at their best when next you stirred
But it was at your bedtime that you breathed your last
And left us wondering
And we will love you till beyond our last
Why Trevor why,
Grandad & Grandma Hamilton
2007 05 05
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Mothers Day
Darling Tracy
Trevor could not have been born to a more caring and loving mommy. I wish from the bottom of my heart he was here for you.
"Happy" Mothers Day Tracy
Sunday, May 6, 2007
I want my baby back
I was just about to start telling you our story and I heard Tracy crying. I went into the living room and she was sitting there staring at a picture of Trevor, one of the pictures taken hours before he died. I sat there and held her. "I want my baby back", she kept saying, as she held his picture. It has been 129 days since we saw him last and we cry for him every day.
23 January 2007
Another beautiful day, Tracy, Little T and myself. I went to work and Tracy stayed at home taking care of Trevor. I phoned home early afternoon, Tracy and Trevor, had just got back from Sam's. Tracy was carrying Trevor around Sam's in his Baby Bjorn, he was at the age where he could face forward, apparently a lady stopped Tracy and told her she wished Tracy could see Trevor's face, he was so amazed and excited, taking it all in, everything was new. I could not wait to get home. Just before I left work I called home again. Tracy had just put Trevor down for his 5pm-7:30pm nap. She said that he was mad at her for putting him down for his sleep and cried as he normally did, before crashing. I showed up and went for my usual jog. Tracy had prepared a delicious meal. She was getting into the whole stay at home mom role and was so pleased with her efforts. We sat down for dinner, had a glass of wine, and spoke about how happy we were and how cool Trevor was. Tracy thanked me for working so hard, so that she could stay at home with Trevor, I would not have had it any other way. We finished dinner and did the dishes. I remember Tracy saying to me, lets go and wake him up, we could barely wait to see his beautiful smiling face. I was still sweating from my jog so I asked if she could wait 10 minutes for me to shower and then I would be free to spend the rest of the evening with Trevor. I was in and out of the shower as quickly as possible, put on some clothes and came down stairs. Tracy met me at the bottom of the stairs and we walked into Trevor's room together, as we had been doing for sometime, based on his newly established schedule. We were so excited. As we peered over the top of his crib I immediately thought to myself, he is lying funny, he looked awkward. Tracy reached into the crib and touched his hand - "he is cold" she said. Tracy reached into the crib and turned Trevor over, I could tell by the way his body turned that he was already starting to stiffen, and then I saw our beautiful baby boys face, it looked as if he had been beaten, his face was blue. The moment turned from one of pure happiness to absolute devastation in less than a second. A blur of events ensued. Somehow Trevor ended up in my arms, Tracy left the room to call 911. Next minute Tracy was back, she took Trevor into the living room lay him on the couch and started resuscitation. I was standing off to the side, I remember repeatedly saying out loud "please God, no, please God no" as if I had a choice in the matter. Tracy kept trying and finally Trevor threw up some milk, Tracy, said to me I think he is breathing, he was making a gurgling sound. The phone rang, it was the paramedics, I told them that my boy was not breathing, they asked me to stand out in the road to signal them. The paramedics arrived in minutes. They run into our house and grabbed Trevor from Tracy rushing him into the back of the ambulance. Another paramedic asked me to come with them to the hospital, while making sure that our neighbour stayed with Tracy. I climbed into the passenger seat of the ambulance and was joined by the driver. He looked at me and said "this is not looking good, he has been gone a while". We arrived at the emergency room entrance to the hospital within five minutes, they told me to stay in the ambulance, as they wheeled the stretcher into the hospital. I remember looking out of the ambulance window and seeing this adult size stretcher with this tiny little body on it. The driver drove me to another entrance and I was escorted to a special room next to the emergency room. A doctor showed up to tell me that they were working on him. I am finding it hard to remember exactly what happened that night but will do my best. Tracy arrived. Friends of ours, Jimmy and Fernando, had driven her to the hospital. We just looked at each other in disbelief. Tracy left the room with Fernando to call her mother. In came the doctor and told me that they were not able to resuscitate Trevor. Poor Jimmy did not know what to do but I was glad he was there. I wish the doctor had waited for both Tracy and I to be in the room before she shared the terrible news. Tracy came back into the room. She new by the look on my face that Trevor did not make it. More friends arrived - thank you. The nurse told us that we could go and see Trevor if wanted to. Tracy and I followed the nurse to the furthest room in the emergency ward. She opened the door and there he lay, so still. He was wrapped in a little blanket, he still had a tube coming out of his mouth. They said we could hold him but just not to move anything, do not unwrap him or adjust the tube. There were a couple of nurses that stayed in the room briefly and cried with us. Then once again it was Tracy, myself and Trevor. Tracy held him as tightly as she could, wishing him back to life. She handed him to me. His face was a blue gray color. I remember kissing him on the forehead he was so cold. We went in and out of that room another three times. I called my parents. It was probably 3:00am South African time - "Whats wrong Paul, Trevor died tonight mom". I still cannot to this day believe that I had to call friends and family and tell them that Trevor had died. More friends arrived. I had to go in one more time to see Trevor. I walked into the room, his eyes were half open. He had the most beautiful blue eyes. I had to see him one more time. I put my hand on his forehead and looked into his eyes - he was gone - that was the last time I saw him.
23 January 2007
Another beautiful day, Tracy, Little T and myself. I went to work and Tracy stayed at home taking care of Trevor. I phoned home early afternoon, Tracy and Trevor, had just got back from Sam's. Tracy was carrying Trevor around Sam's in his Baby Bjorn, he was at the age where he could face forward, apparently a lady stopped Tracy and told her she wished Tracy could see Trevor's face, he was so amazed and excited, taking it all in, everything was new. I could not wait to get home. Just before I left work I called home again. Tracy had just put Trevor down for his 5pm-7:30pm nap. She said that he was mad at her for putting him down for his sleep and cried as he normally did, before crashing. I showed up and went for my usual jog. Tracy had prepared a delicious meal. She was getting into the whole stay at home mom role and was so pleased with her efforts. We sat down for dinner, had a glass of wine, and spoke about how happy we were and how cool Trevor was. Tracy thanked me for working so hard, so that she could stay at home with Trevor, I would not have had it any other way. We finished dinner and did the dishes. I remember Tracy saying to me, lets go and wake him up, we could barely wait to see his beautiful smiling face. I was still sweating from my jog so I asked if she could wait 10 minutes for me to shower and then I would be free to spend the rest of the evening with Trevor. I was in and out of the shower as quickly as possible, put on some clothes and came down stairs. Tracy met me at the bottom of the stairs and we walked into Trevor's room together, as we had been doing for sometime, based on his newly established schedule. We were so excited. As we peered over the top of his crib I immediately thought to myself, he is lying funny, he looked awkward. Tracy reached into the crib and touched his hand - "he is cold" she said. Tracy reached into the crib and turned Trevor over, I could tell by the way his body turned that he was already starting to stiffen, and then I saw our beautiful baby boys face, it looked as if he had been beaten, his face was blue. The moment turned from one of pure happiness to absolute devastation in less than a second. A blur of events ensued. Somehow Trevor ended up in my arms, Tracy left the room to call 911. Next minute Tracy was back, she took Trevor into the living room lay him on the couch and started resuscitation. I was standing off to the side, I remember repeatedly saying out loud "please God, no, please God no" as if I had a choice in the matter. Tracy kept trying and finally Trevor threw up some milk, Tracy, said to me I think he is breathing, he was making a gurgling sound. The phone rang, it was the paramedics, I told them that my boy was not breathing, they asked me to stand out in the road to signal them. The paramedics arrived in minutes. They run into our house and grabbed Trevor from Tracy rushing him into the back of the ambulance. Another paramedic asked me to come with them to the hospital, while making sure that our neighbour stayed with Tracy. I climbed into the passenger seat of the ambulance and was joined by the driver. He looked at me and said "this is not looking good, he has been gone a while". We arrived at the emergency room entrance to the hospital within five minutes, they told me to stay in the ambulance, as they wheeled the stretcher into the hospital. I remember looking out of the ambulance window and seeing this adult size stretcher with this tiny little body on it. The driver drove me to another entrance and I was escorted to a special room next to the emergency room. A doctor showed up to tell me that they were working on him. I am finding it hard to remember exactly what happened that night but will do my best. Tracy arrived. Friends of ours, Jimmy and Fernando, had driven her to the hospital. We just looked at each other in disbelief. Tracy left the room with Fernando to call her mother. In came the doctor and told me that they were not able to resuscitate Trevor. Poor Jimmy did not know what to do but I was glad he was there. I wish the doctor had waited for both Tracy and I to be in the room before she shared the terrible news. Tracy came back into the room. She new by the look on my face that Trevor did not make it. More friends arrived - thank you. The nurse told us that we could go and see Trevor if wanted to. Tracy and I followed the nurse to the furthest room in the emergency ward. She opened the door and there he lay, so still. He was wrapped in a little blanket, he still had a tube coming out of his mouth. They said we could hold him but just not to move anything, do not unwrap him or adjust the tube. There were a couple of nurses that stayed in the room briefly and cried with us. Then once again it was Tracy, myself and Trevor. Tracy held him as tightly as she could, wishing him back to life. She handed him to me. His face was a blue gray color. I remember kissing him on the forehead he was so cold. We went in and out of that room another three times. I called my parents. It was probably 3:00am South African time - "Whats wrong Paul, Trevor died tonight mom". I still cannot to this day believe that I had to call friends and family and tell them that Trevor had died. More friends arrived. I had to go in one more time to see Trevor. I walked into the room, his eyes were half open. He had the most beautiful blue eyes. I had to see him one more time. I put my hand on his forehead and looked into his eyes - he was gone - that was the last time I saw him.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Trevor Howard Hamilton
I guess I will start here
Trevor Howard Hamilton
Born, 12 September 2006
Died, 23 January 2007
Trevor Howard Hamilton
Born, 12 September 2006
Died, 23 January 2007
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